Memo To Alice Walton

From:  Bougarabou O. Hooligan (“Bugs”)
To:  Ms. Alice Walton
Re:  Acquisition Required
Date:  Dec. 29, 2011

The other day, my human came back raving about your apparently excellent new museum.  I have learned to take her with a grain of salt.  I asked whether she brought back any pictures of my species, which is Cat, which is the whole point of anything as you probably know and if you don’t, you should.  She, however, had to admit that she failed me.  So I sent her back yesterday, to rectify this omission.

She came back way too late last night, after spending way too much time over at your place.  It has a restaurant in it, I believe?  You should not have restaurants in museums, because my human may take up residence there and then I will be out of luck.

But my point.  You can guess what happened:  She failed to bring me my picture.

She brought me this one instead.

from “School Rules,” by Wm. Holbrook

She tried to explain that while this creature is not exactly a Cat, it captures my cheeky spirit pretty well.

I cannot agree.  I am not amused by being compared to this creature, whatever it is.

She tried to explain that I should be satisfied with this approximation, because there is apparently no picture of my species in your apparently excellent museum.  I could not believe this.  But my human insisted that it was true.

She told me she sat for a long time in front of a big picture of all kinds of animals, searching in vain for Cats.  In WonderWorld, I believe you call this place.  I wonder why.  There are no Cats in it.  She overheard other humans – ignorant creatures – admiring what they thought was a Cat in the foreground of the big picture.  My human was too overwhelmed with the apparent excellence of your museum to explain to these poor creatures that the animal was actually a bear cub.

I myself am OK with being mistaken for a bear cub, because I share many attributes with them, for example my claws.  But my human is a stickler for these kinds of things and she got all in a lather about her own species’ failure of discernment.

Anyway I think you can see where I’m going with this.

You probably read the review in the New York Times?  The one that criticized you for not having any folk art?  I think you could kill two birds with one stone here (and I can dispose of the corpses).  Why not get a folk-art picture of a cat?

I tried to find one for you.  The best I could do is this one, a “masterpiece,” Wikipedia says, by Ammi Phillips, called Girl in Red Dress With Cat and Dog.

It says it’s at the American Museum of Folk Art in New York.  My human has been to that place and likes it a lot.  I think you know how to get there too?  Kindly do so and straighten this thing out once and for all.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t see any Cat in that picture.

Here is where to go.     English: The author of this image is me, David...

pic by David Shankbone

My human would be writing this memo except that she is overdramatizing an incident that occurred in the kitchen this morning.  She was preparing the sweet potato-oatmeal base for my organic chicken breakfast and the blender exploded.  She couldn’t decide whether to call the Burn Unit or her therapist.  I had a look at her and she’s fine, so the therapist it is.  She’s lying down in the other room, gathering strength to make the call.  My guess is the two will spend time and money, which should be spent on straightening out our problems here, trying instead to identify the Jungian archetype that best fits this situation.  I would say it would be The Klutz but maybe Jung doesn’t have one for that.

I had another idea.  Do you know a folk artist you could pay so I could sit for my portrait?  I would think that would be a great solution to our problems.  What do you think about this pose?  I feel it expresses my cheekiness much better than the other thing.

Ms. Walton, everybody says what a nice person you are to do this for the community.  I’m sure that’s true.  They don’t realize, though, how important it is to play to the Cat lobby also.  Please don’t take this personally, but between the omission in your apparently excellent museum, and the shocking missing Cat in the Ammi Phillips, this is getting to be a forensic legal police matter.  Please take my request very seriously.

Very seriously.  You might think I’m just yawning here.  That could be one explanation.  There’s another, which I am way too well-bred to mention.  I’m just saying.

Yours sincerely,

–BuOH

Bougarabou O. Hooligan

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About nadbugs

Anita loves cats. This must be because she, too, has had nine lives. She’s been dancing since she could walk, she was a commercial artist and advertising producer, she earned a third-degree black belt in Aikido, she is a drummer with the Afrique Aya Dance Company, she is an attorney, and she’s a meditator and a devoted student of Nonviolent Communication. She also spent one lifetime sidelined with a devastating back injury in 1992. Since then – FELDENKRAIS METHOD® to the rescue. The FELDENKRAIS METHOD is all about dreaming concretely – thinking intelligently and independently by way of a gracious and kind physicality. The work affords all who study it a process by which to reach, with movement, into the mind and the heart, to make nine lives into one whole being.
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21 Responses to Memo To Alice Walton

  1. Pattie Williams says:

    How can Ms. Alice Walton turn down such an offer! This posting is just too special. I can almost hear Bug saying all of this! And looking so elegant to boot!!!!

  2. Oldcat says:

    Wait – your breakfast was delayed and yet she thinks she needs sympathy?!

  3. Bugsy,
    Oldcat is so right about your breakfast delay. I really love the pose you chose for your portrait. Although I also love the more intimidating pose showing off your glorious fangs. They better take your requests seriously!

  4. Wazeau says:

    Not sure how any institution can call itself a museum without any cat-related pieces. I am so sorry about your breakfast! Definately a very cheeky pose that would make marvelous folk art. Blender explosions can be quite nasty; I’m glad your human did not need the burn unit.

  5. IsobelandCat says:

    Visit sophiescott196.wordpress.com
    She has a portrait painted of herself with her two cats. Then again, why not a photo portrait? This picture in a frame? Mr Bugs is very photogenic. Maybe a digital photo frame with only pix of Mr Bugs.
    I am still struggling with the idea that some people thought the bearcub was a cat!

  6. It looks as though the girl in the red dress may have eaten the cat. Maybe we should boycat museums completely.

  7. IsobelandCat says:

    Great! Did you tell her? Not knowing how the yoga cat pix were achieved, I am not going to condemn too quickly. I watched open mouthed a programme about cats a few years ago which included a cat circus. Happy, affectionate cats doing things you would never have believed possible.
    BTW the missing cat in the folk art piece probably just got bored and strolled away.:)

    • nadbugs says:

      Oh Isobel I’m sure you’re right. We all know how hard it is to get the cats to permit the pictures. Wouldn’t I just LOVE to see that cat circus! I found a Russian one, showing a cat doing something remarkably like that (awful, sorry, still feel that way) yoga cat — am really hoping the cats were, indeed, happy, because the next entry on my search was about cruelty to the big circus-cats — but I couldn’t help myself, I did have to laugh (reluctantly), watching the little-cat circus: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=1458175n
      I was hoping Sophie would get a “ping-back” for the link I posted to her picture, and find out about it that way . . . .

    • Oldcat says:

      It might have been an episode of Cats 101 – they had a guest shot of a father daughter Vegas act that uses rescue cats to do tricks. They have clips on the Animal Planet site, not sure if that one is in there.

  8. Lynnette says:

    Your human missed this charming kitty on the desk of Professor Rand http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portrait_of_Professor_Benjamin_H._Rand

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