Before you are tempted to take in a stray or feral cat or kitten, STOP. Seriously STOP.
This matter is so serious, I’m going to go ahead and post it immediately. Now, without pictures. No distractions. No more stray or feral cats or kittens should be exposed to further risk without immediate publication of this important announcement.
Here is law-babble, to impress on you how important the Second Law of Kindness is: The Second Law of Kindness is an absolutely essential and mandatory and statutory and bright-line condition precedent.
In English, this means: You MUST satisfy the following condition BEFORE you become eligible to take in a stray or feral cat or kitten.
Here is the Second Law of Kindness. It is to be obeyed to the letter.
You are mandated to spend your whole life – this means from birth on forward into adulthood – first being taught and tested by friendly and loving long-domesticated and gentle-natured animals.
If you are wondering whether the animal you have in mind might qualify, here is the CV of the currently serving Chairman of the Second-Law Board-Education Committee: Mr. Tigger, of Fitchburg, Mass.:
“Where Tigger lives there is an array of human traffic and he welcomes all with open paws. If you ever are there he will come up to you for a pat or two, a bit of rubbing against your leg and he’ll purr you the sweetest kitty song even though his vocals are a bit rusty from a long happy life. Pick him up, he’ll love it. Pull his tail gently and he’ll come back for more. Feed him and he’ll be your best friend for life. His favorite toys are his humans.”
I personally don’t believe a single word of this. It’s puffery. Propaganda. Mr. Tigger must be running for his second term.
In any case, I wouldn’t like to see what happens when Mr. Tigger finds out about those who try to cheat the Second Law of Kindness. He’s probably only seen humans who submit.
The Second Law requires submission as follows:
Only when, in the judgment of somebody like Mr. Tigger and only then, when this kind of educator (not you) says you might be ready to take on a stray or feral cat or kitten, Mr. Tigger will turn you over to the Board of Second-Law Examiners Committee. Those animals will administer unto you a test. The test will be grueling. It will resemble the bar exam. Only Examiners Committee Members invigilate this test and you better not be caught cheating. Do NOT be tempted to send money to so-called institutions of higher learning that advertise on the Net; these will only take your money and cutting corners like this will still end you up not qualified. Only Examiners Committee Members are certified to judge, and only those Members have the power to issue you the license that says you passed.
Only then will you be allowed to take in a stray or feral cat or kitten.
You are absolutely forbidden to skip this Second Law. Especially if you are or may be, under the stress of circumstances, tempted to – oh, I don’t know, “
declaw” mutilate your cat.
Footnote to illustrate what real-life “stress” looks like, within the meaning of the Second Law:
Several days Two weeks in which Bugs increasingly forsakes The Weapon of Pink, escalating in favor of The Weapon of Red: Tooth and Claw.
Item: A computer crash in the middle of a law deadline that was going to be hard to meet even if everything went smoothly.
Item: No car in working order. If you are wondering whether this matters, this is America. It matters. As for the car-dealer who will be fixing my car (on Monday, thank you very much for making me wait four days over the weekend and that doesn’t count three prior days ordering parts). And not telling me I was in mortal danger driving the damn thing the way it was, until Day From Hell (yesterday), which fortunately and no thanks to the dealer led me to ask one key question that revealed how much danger I was in. Dealer may be able to provide a loaner – but maybe not; service-guy said he’d call me back yesterday and it’s today and he hasn’t called yet. And keep in mind that I am close personal friends with the owner of this dealership. This means I am being given the royal treatment here. You can just imagine the boot-marks on the butt and tread-marks on the forehead of the general car-owning public.
Item: And then there’s the stupid file-sharing thing I need for my FELDENKRAIS® work. The file-sharing service I had been using is now bitching and clawing for $$, so I have refused and tried to find another. And the replacement service is working for some people but not others and I have no idea why.
End of footnote on stress. None of this may serve as an excuse for failure to comply with the Second Law of Kindness.
Compliance is mandatory. If you break this Law, the mandatory sentencing guidelines leave no room for judicial discretion. The mandatory sentence is life without parol.
The Legislature has spoken.
So, tell us, then, Legislature. Where does that leave Bugs and me?
Tune in to the next post.
Pee Ess: No people or animals were
harmed or injured seriously or lastingly harmed or injured in the writing of this post.
Pee Pee Ess: This is just to make sure you read to the bottom here.