In the unsettling, unseasonable heat that is this first of April –
Where, fully one month too soon, the lettuce is already bolting –
Bugsy is having tummy issues again.
And I myself have fumbled into the freefloating anxiety that comes of not understanding what’s going on, and fearing the worst.
Those of you who aren’t accustomed to this state, who may have some difficulty seeing why something so obvious can still be missed, can you imagine what it’s like? To be breathing in an atmosphere of bewilderment and confusion, which springs from a lifetime of misunderstanding? Where ill ease seems to hang like a miasma, creeping into one’s very bones?
There’s a kind of beauty, in the fog that clings to the old things . . . .
. . . . but to hang out in it too long is simply – damp.
So, in reverse-engineering the changed circumstances that might have given rise to Bugsy’s current digestive embarrassment, I’m glad to say it didn’t take me too long to recall that I’m trying new treats for the boys. Fang’s fine. Bugsy’s – adjusting.
I love Bugsy. He’s a lot like me.
Yesterday I bumped into a person who, in years past, has stimulated great pain in me. She’s all, “how nice to see you.” And I’m all, unsmiling, “hello.”
She probably thinks this was all about artistic differences, and we should just let bygones be bygones.
I’m thinking this was all about trust I extended to her unwisely, improvidently – and the bitter reflux that comes when that trust is revealed unwarranted. And the feelings of shame and pariah-dom that follow.
I would love to be able to let it all go. But on the other hand, it’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Until the fog lifts. A little later in the day.
In another life, maybe.
catself 
If you want to stick to your story, stick to it. You don’t always have to let bygones be bygones.
Thank you. They aren’t bygones — as long as they aren’t that way to me. Unfortunately.
I agree with Dianda. Besides, there are too many people out there who want bygones be bygones without actually doing anything to help them be so.
And even if they did (which with such kinds of people is unlikely) it’s still your choice to let people back in your life or not and you don’t have to justify this choice anyhow.
Some people aren’t even worth the effort of forgetting. For me, they simply do not exist.
Goes to show — you got a strong character!
Sometimes you’ve just gotta protect yourself… like I try to protect my peeps. I don’t want them exposing themselves to what can only mean more pain and frustration. If you know it’s in someone’s character to be hurtful (even if they don’t mean it… they just always seem to do it) then it’s best to avoid that someone. We all gotta protect the peeps!
Yay anipals.
What Dianda said. Double.
May I offer this: last year, my troubled sister allowed her husband–all of us great friends for 20 years–to throw me out of their lives: “Don’t ever contact my family again!” That hurt like hell for a few days.
I was talking to Big about it and realizing that, yes, it hurt terribly but that I also didn’t want to feel so crappy. I burst into a 20-second soundless, one-syllable sob that came from the depths. Then I sat up and said–I will not let this destroy me. I do not want to feel horrible–I know what that’s like and I choose cheerful.
That decision to ACCEPT the feelings but NOT HAVE THEM is the best thing I’ve EVER EVER done for myself. I had to forgive myself for getting hurt by her again (long sad family saga), but know that that was the last time. With that, I saw how badly hurt those two are and felt pity for them, but not for me.
Stick to your smart protective stance with that one. Do forgive yourself for trusting–it isn’t your fault that the trust was betrayed. You, very apparently, are full of love and joy –and what a wonderful addition to our world!
Ask Bugs, in particular, about your love and loyalty. ‘Nuff said, Bean.
Thank you so very much, Lahgitana. For your kind supportive words and for your inspiring example. I really appreciate how what you say here grasps the whole of the thing — the sadness and pain, and the determination to make one’s own way toward happiness.
I did ask Bugs, as you suggested. He responded by purring. LOVE!!
When in doubt, surrender. Sending you and Bugs peace, love & purrs.
Yes, Layla. The turning-it-over-when-it’s-bigger-than-I approach seems called-for here.
Oh, well, I echo each and every word that Lahgitana just wrote. I wouldn’t have said it better myself. Sending you, Bugs and Fangie much love!
Thank you, dear Ivy, you’re gratefully received and sent-back-to.
People are weird. That’s all you can say! Perhaps her perception of what took place all those years ago, is not the same as yours? But otherwise I would say Illegitimi non carborundum!!! 🙂
I’m sure she’s got a different version. And is probably pretty-well fine with it, or at least presenting herself that way. This I find most discouraging — but I will dedicate myself to being un-ground-down. Thank you for your smiles. And your cool blog, which I love.
It seems like it’s always the one who betrayed the trust that thinks that “bygones should be bygones” and want to dictate the terms of their own forgiveness. It doesn’t work that way. You’ll let it go if when when you’re ready and not one moment sooner. No guilt about that.
But then again, as it often does, your blog post has struck a familiar chord with me, and I’m suddenly talking as much about myself as about you.
P.S. – I’m glad that Bugs is adjusting, and the explanation for his tummy upset is something so simple!
Thank you so much, Melanie. I love when you talk about yourself — talk on!! And thank you for your kind words about Bugs. He is my BABY! and I’m really anxious when he’s not well. Maybe not out of the woods yet. Hopefully more time will work its magic.