Bugs Knows What To Do

This is how it is, on the third day since.  Another awful sleepless night.  Tormented by images that won’t leave.  Guts in turmoil.  Sick with grief.

Pre-dawn:  Bugsy sidles up shyly, head-butting, biscuit-making.  Dawn:  Bugsy [repeat].

Morning.  Sitting down to the computer with a cup of something.  Taking in the mail. Crying some more.  So touched by the tidal wave of your care and concern.

Bugs knows what to do.

He is being incredibly sweet.  Much more affectionate and connected than before Fangie’s death.  Clearly he feels the loss.  He shows it in the obvious ways — looking for Fangie from room to room — and the more mysterious ones — staying closer to me.

Thank heaven for Bugsy.  There were times when I thought:  Hang on.  If for no other reason, for Bugsy.

For my own part, I can’t but tell the truth:  Sometimes I can’t even imagine how this terrible experience challenges me, will change me.

So many things sweep through.  Right now it’s:  I wish Fangie was still here.  I miss him so incredibly painfully.

And then the emotions shift and change again.

A friend has offered the image of the broken glass that is customarily stepped-on at a Jewish wedding.  This seems profound to me, at this moment.  It’s about something joined, something shattered.  When we open ourselves to love, this shattering is the other side of the picture.

Kim says this past Wednesday, on the morning of Fangie’s passing, Garrison Keillor read the poem on NPR “In The Moment,” by Maxine Kumin.

Wednesday was also the birthday of Ivy, Kim’s chocolate lab.

The poem is about Rosie, a rescue terrier, paddling in the shallows of a pond looking for salamanders.  Here is an excerpt.

“Her heart murmur

will carry her off, no one can say when.
Meanwhile she is rapt in

the moment, our hearts leap up observing.
Dogs live in the moment, pursuing

that brilliant dragonfly called pleasure.
Only we, sunstruck in this azure

day, must drag along the backpacks
of our past, must peer into the bottom muck

of what’s to come, scanning the plot
for words that say another year, or not.”

And I, now I know the time certain when Fangie was carried off, I say this:

What Kumin says is what I do.  The loss, now it has fallen so hard, is every bit as bad as what I feared.  And then some.

Bugs knows what to do.  You know, too.  Take care of self, of other.

On Wednesday, just after we buried Fangie, it finally rained.  It’s cooler today.  There’s a gentle breeze, whiskering its way through the tall oak under which Fangie lies.

This will pass, this will pass like the whiskering wind.  The love stays.

About nadbugs

Anita loves cats. This must be because she, too, has had nine lives. She’s been dancing since she could walk, she was a commercial artist and advertising producer, she earned a third-degree black belt in Aikido, she is a drummer with the Afrique Aya Dance Company, she is an attorney, and she’s a meditator and a devoted student of Nonviolent Communication. She also spent one lifetime sidelined with a devastating back injury in 1992. Since then – FELDENKRAIS METHOD® to the rescue. The FELDENKRAIS METHOD is all about dreaming concretely – thinking intelligently and independently by way of a gracious and kind physicality. The work affords all who study it a process by which to reach, with movement, into the mind and the heart, to make nine lives into one whole being.
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22 Responses to Bugs Knows What To Do

  1. Karen Lucas says:

    It is just so heartbreaking, especially when it is so sudden. Three years ago I lost two of my old cats suddenly within three days and then last week I lost another old cat, again, suddenly. There is no way around, but only to go forward through the grief. I am so very sorry. The pain seems unbearable but somehow it does ease eventually.

  2. I’m so very sorry for your loss of sweet Fangie. It’s clear he has deeply touched your heart and will be missed forever, but I too am glad he was a part of your life. Sending you purrs and prayers that your pain will lessen with each day forward.

  3. lahgitana says:

    I think of Fangie and his exuberant race through life, right till the end. Oh what a spirit! He lived his life well and you gave him such a happy life, Anita! I, too, wish he were there bouncing off the walls and chasing dust motes!

    Thank you for telling us what you could figure out about the reason for Fang’s death. You gave me something to hang onto in my sidelines-grief for Fang’s sudden, awful death.

    Keep talking to us. We’re here.

  4. Dogs and cats do live in the moment. And they sure enjoy life more than the humans I know. Great poem. Thank you for sharing. Everything.
    Remember the joyous images of dear Fangie playing in each fun-filled moment. You filled his life with so much goodness. Zichrono l’bracha, Fangie. Indeed, the love stays…

  5. Yes, Bugs does know exactly what to do. Thanks for continuing to share and validating that animal do indeed grieve. (((hugs)))

  6. Bugs grieves, he knows you grieve, he knows you both need comfort. You need each other just a little extra specially right now. Love stays.
    Now you have to stop torturing yourself with Fang’s last few moments and recall all the previous moments when he was happy, fun loving, sometimes bratty, always adorable, brother to Bugs and buddy to you.

    • lahgitana says:

      Oh yes, wrench your thoughts from the awful images of Fang’s last moments and latch onto other images in their place. We know how terrible those last moments were. …

  7. I’m worried about YOU, dear. Please make note of health changes in yourself – I learned the hard way that grief and the stress inherent causes physical problems (in me, at least). I was worried about Bugs too, he was just learning to love his brother when he didn’t know he wanted one, so I’m rather comforted to hear he seeks his comfort in you. Ah I’m about to cry again.

  8. FeyGirl says:

    ♥✿♥ I’m constantly looking to the natural world, and animals, as a gentle reminder at how they live in the moment, appreciating every single minute for its wondrous beauty. And how they recognize this final transition as a quick and simple step to our true “home.” We’re the ones who terribly miss their *physical* presence (I still cry for my dear Puss, who also made her transition recently). Know you’re not alone — and take good care of yourself!

  9. Dianda says:

    Bugs knows what to do, He’ll do his very best to keep you together.
    I hope you’re doing well, and like Spiders said, think about yourself!

  10. Fang is watching over you still. He’s at the bridge, with our sweet Inigo and all the other kitties, making sure we’re safe. He felt so much love with you, I know he’s still looking on with love.

  11. CATachresis says:

    Yes, Bugsy knows xx

  12. Even though it seems impossible right at this second, it will pass. The unbelievable pain will pass. And the love will stay.

    I’d like to tell you, Anita, how much I admire you for what you did with Fangie: you had the courage to take a risk. You had the courage to open up to love once again. This is what life is all about and you were brave to do it. The lesson, unfortunately, you will only understand down the road. I know, however, that nothing is ever by chance. It will pass. Love will stay. Hang in there. ((((((hugs)))))))

  13. laurence says:

    oui l’amour reste.

  14. Mell says:

    Fangie, Zichrono L’Bracha

    Anita, I am so very sorry to hear about Fang. I came here from Crystal’s blog when you brought Fangie home, so that I could keep following him. I was so very, very happy when I realized how loved he was, and I felt so much joy as I watched him bloom into the man-cat he was truly meant to be with you and Bugs.

    Wednesday’s post nearly broke my heart…I couldn’t even bring myself to post a comment that night, and for that I apologize. I feel very selfish for not telling you immediately how wonderful you were with him; I hope that you can forgive that my sorrow for your entire little family caused me to be so thoughtless.

    But know this now – Fangie was happy. If those of us reading your blog could feel the amazing love you had for him, there is no doubt in my mind that Fangie felt a hundred times that love. And that is all we can give them, even if only for a short time, it is enough.

    Please consider reading this: http://www.oes.org/page2/8647~You_have_chosen_tears_-_poem.html. I work in cat rescue, and there are always those that, no matter how hard we try to keep them, are just not meant to stay. This piece has helped me many times – it will make you cry, but they will be healing tears.

    Listen to Bugs. He really does know what to do, and he will help you continue on, and when you’re ready, he will know how to make you smile again.

    Hugs and many purrs,

  15. MTVA says:

    Oh my dear Anita, I am so sorry. Utterly shocked, having been away from the computer most of the week, to find this sadness. You were so wonderful to Fangie, and he had such a happy life because of you, and brought us all happiness by reading of his antics. Last October 16 my beloved Virginia, only 7 years old, was gone within 90 minutes from a deadly blood clot, and I thought that was unspeakably brutal. But even worse for you. Thank God you were right there, as I was. I had been going to go out and work in the garden that morning, where I would have been lost for hours, and it was a blessed comfort that I did not. and was right there for her when she so desperately needed me.. My heart goes out to you, and wish we could all gather with you and hold your hand thru this. Please consider it done, as our thoughts and prayers are with you.

  16. Melanie says:

    I know that I was very thankful for the comfort that my other animals could give me when Romeo passed. It made something that could have been even more unspeakably awful a little… less so. My thoughts have been with you these past several days.

  17. Sending comforting purrrrrrss and gentle headbutttss to Bugs & Anita.

  18. Basil says:

    Sending more hugs!!

  19. I know how you feel 😦

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