If Only, Now Too

Lately Bugs has been especially affectionate. He’s developed a strict routine where, once in the morning and just before lights out at night, he comes and makes biscuits on me.

It’s always the same. First he sits near the bed and speaks. I put down what I’m doing and answer. He speaks again. I lie down on my left side, with my left arm extended. Not the right arm. The right arm doesn’t work. It’s got to be the left.

Bugs then hops up, climbs on and over me, arrives at the left bicep, and begins.

He makes biscuits with great intensity.  He purrs constantly. A bead of moisture gathers on his nose, drips off, is replaced by another. And another. And so on.

This lasts about ten minutes and then he’s off, usually abruptly and without any reason I can tell. A bird calls, Barney moves in the other room, no reason at all. Sometimes, though, he turns sideways, collapses into my chest, and falls asleep. I like that especially.

So this morning, at one point while this biscuit-making was going on, I actually lost my sense of myself as separate from Bugs. I merged into his soft furriness, his focus, his intensity.

It was a most wonderful feeling.

I began thinking – yes, of course thinking came back, way before I wanted it to but there you go – I thought if only I had had Bugs when I was a child. If only I had had a chance to luxuriate in this profoundly pleasurable way, with just one beautiful being expressing connection and affection, without judgment or reason or justification or explanation, just doing it. The harshness of my childhood, the barrenness, the frustration, the fury, all this would have been eased, ameliorated. I would have known that life can also be lovely, immensely pleasurable, profoundly consoling.

body1 002Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk writes of how traumatized people can heal their disrupted sleep and digestive patterns, hyperarousal, pain and anxiety, depression and illness, by connecting with support and with the opportunity to ease stress-flooding.  To reset physiological functioning not by talk, but by bringing comfort and well-being to the body so ragged by trauma.

Well — there’s still time.

Where there’s life, there can be healing.

body1 013-crop


To life, with cats.


About nadbugs

Anita loves cats. This must be because she, too, has had nine lives. She’s been dancing since she could walk, she was a commercial artist and advertising producer, she earned a third-degree black belt in Aikido, she is a drummer with the Afrique Aya Dance Company, she is an attorney, and she’s a meditator and a devoted student of Nonviolent Communication. She also spent one lifetime sidelined with a devastating back injury in 1992. Since then – FELDENKRAIS METHOD® to the rescue. The FELDENKRAIS METHOD is all about dreaming concretely – thinking intelligently and independently by way of a gracious and kind physicality. The work affords all who study it a process by which to reach, with movement, into the mind and the heart, to make nine lives into one whole being.
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12 Responses to If Only, Now Too

  1. dezizworld says:

    Yep me and sis Lexi giv mommy massages evewy meownin’ and evewy night, and hers just luvs it and so do we. Weez all lay there lost in da moment. 🙂

    Luv ya’


  2. Summer says:

    We kitties certainly are healing creatures! I am looking forward to my career as a therapy cat and helping humans.

  3. kittiesblue says:

    Well, van der Kolk seems pretty smart, and we say better now than never. It sounds like a magical and healing time for both of you. XO, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

  4. Wazeau says:

    It is sort of amazing how comforting accepting love on their terms can be…

  5. kimmo,spiveroo,stewie and smeezer(our real names have been changed to protect the guilty) says:


  6. elizz says:

    i love it when i lay my head next to Tiger and hear him purr… there’s that certain good-feeling about cat’s purr which i really can’t explain.. love love cats.

  7. This is silly, but I love putting my face full on the cats’ fur. I love their smell! Ellie

  8. one of the most beautiful tributes to cats ever. Love it.

  9. Carolyn says:

    Oh YES!!!!!!!!!

    Beautifully put!

  10. Cats & Co says:

    Perfectly written. At times when I fail to count to 10, Hiro will usually be there. 🙂
    Suki sort of does the same when go to the bed. i love those moments.

  11. Pingback: Bugs Expresses Himself | catself

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